“…there is not much that makes me happy anymore, but you do.”
“There is a hunger in you, Clark. A fearlessness. You just buried it, like most people do.”
I don’t think I’ve ever ugly-cried as hard and as, well, ugly, as I just did.
It was not, by any means, a gentle stream of tears. It was more like a quiet desperation and frustration breaking out into heavy sobs.
So there I was, repeating those last chapters in my head over and over again, all the while burying my face in my pillow so I wouldn’t wake up my sister in the next room.
The epilogue took me the hardest to read. I closed the book six different times, before I could finally finish it. I couldn’t bear saying goodbye to this gut-wrenching story.
I really can’t say more without spoiling you, so if you haven’t read it, I would stop reading here. If you have read it, then just follow the path made up by my tears.
Ok, so this book. THIS BOOK. I wanted to hate it. SO MUCH. I wanted to throw this book out the window and be done with life. I wanted so badly to give it a low rating, because how dare it destroy my heart this way. It toyed with me for 80% of the book, and then just hammered away. But how could I even fathom giving this book less than five stars? This book has made me feel things no book has ever made me feel. This book left me thinking about life for hours, making me restless during the whole night. I couldn’t sleep, all I could do was think about the book, and what I would feel like in each character’s position. I put myself in every single characters’ shoes, and contemplated what my reaction/experience would be.
Will’s strength and vulnerability were an incredible mixture of bittersweetness. Watching him be utterly brave and heartbreakingly stubborn was an experience like no other. Before this book, I’d never read about a character in his position, I have no experience with understanding what he went through, but watching him through Lou’s eyes, I can’t help but feel proud and angry. I understand what he did, I can’t say I agree with him, or forgive him just yet, but his need for being in control of his life and his future was something I could not just shrug off. His need for living the way he wants to live, and not being able to do so, made him go to a place that’s dark and lonely, and few ever truly escape that feeling, once you’ve become accustomed to feeling this way. That’s where my fascination and obsession with Louisa Clark comes in.
Louisa Clark. Saying I found my spirit animal in her is an understatement to the amount of obsession I’ve reached. I can’t say that I see myself entirely in her. I am not Louisa Clark. Louisa Clark is what I aim to be, the person I’ve always wanted to be. If I ever become half the person she is, I will feel like I’ve made it. Her unwillingness to give up, fight for what she wants, and to ultimately let go, is something I’ll admire to the end of time. In my head, Louisa Clark exists. She’s not a figment of Jojo Moyes’ imagination. She lives and breathes, and is the most colorful, beautiful, and kindest person alive. I can’t properly express my deep-rooted love and admiration towards this character. I can try, but I will fail.
How I feel about the whole ending situation:
I really don’t know. I’m obviously heartbroken. But I also can’t imagine this book turning out differently. This book would not be this perfect without it being this heartbreakingly real and raw. The outcome served its purpose, it did the book justice, and I really can’t say that I disagree with the way the author closed it off. This story represents a reality that no one likes to think about, no one likes to put themselves in the shoes of a person who hates their life, who truly doesn’t want to live the kind of life Will had to live. This book is unique for many reasons, one of which is the representation of a character that not many people like to read about. No one wants to read a story where the couple doesn’t live happily ever after, where the girl doesn’t change his mind, where the boy doesn’t keep fighting. And yet, this story ultimately shared an uninhibited and unedited reality.
That’s why this book is so special.
Let’s be friends!